"Then you will call, and the Lord will answer"

I many times refer to these last 2 years as a bit of a fog for me.  Transitioning Jada to our family took time and I had a lot to learn.  As we felt our family settling back down from this period in our lives, we started to sense God was calling out of our safe little life once again: refugee foster care.  My mind many times starts to wonder why would we take on another child after so much struggle and hardship with Jada?  It makes me nervous.  It makes me question if this is right and safe for our family.  Why am I questioning?  Because it will be hard.  Because it might not be safe.  Because the child might take out her hurt and anger from trauma on us.  Because choosing ourselves and our own life is EASIER.  Because parenting a child who has been through trauma brings out raw broken places in yourself you would rather hide.  Been there.  BUT GOD calls us into voluntary......redemptive........suffering.  Jesus Christ himself being the perfect picture of this for us.  So, how did we start thinking about all of this?  Well, with Luke and I things start like this:  "What do you think about refugee foster care?"  "Interesting."  "Let's call and find out."  The next thing we knew, we were in an orientation meeting at Bethany.  We weren't really sure how serious we really were, but began taking the steps anyways to be licensed for refugee foster care all the while praying for God's leading.  We began having discussions with the kids and whether we would take in a boy or a girl.  Since most of the refugee children coming to the US are teenagers, we knew the age range would likely be between 13-18 years old.  I had the chance to meet with other refugee foster moms one day for coffee and found that BOTH foster girls of these ladies had gotten pregnant here.  After I drove home, I told Luke that I wasn't so sure I wanted a girl to come anymore!  I did NOT want to raise another baby.  As the weeks passed, we started receiving emails about specific refugees needing homes.  We weren't officially licensed quite yet but I curiously read off the list of about 10 teenagers from different countries who needed homes.  A 16 year old Sudanese teenager and her 1 year old daughter for some reason caught the attention of Luke (koo-koo!).  I just kindof nervously laughed and ignored him.  (I am not taking care of a baby AND a teenager in addition to 4 kids! We already had this discussion!)  Two weeks passed, and we received a follow-up email explaining that several of the previous kids had found homes, but a few had not, and the Sudanese girl and daughter still had not.  I started sweating.  Luke gave me *that look*, and I started listing off the reasons this was crazy.  God has a weird sense of humor though and soon I was calling the agency to inquire about her.  We received a detailed bio on her and her baby and prayed about it over the weekend.  (Meanwhile Bethany had us take a similar case for the weekend.  We did respite care for a 15 year old and her baby for 4 days).  Over the next few days Luke and I had both been lead to the same passages in Scripture.  James 2:15-16, Isaiah 58 (READ!), 1 John 3:17-18, and Luke 17:33. One afternoon, I was in the kitchen praying and begging God "how am I supposed to know that we are supposed to do this?!"  (Luke seemed to be sure already, whereas I felt sick to my stomach).  As I looked over on my bookshelf I saw it lined with a plethora of Christian books.  The top three on the shelf caught my eye: Crazy Love (Francis Chan), Interrupted (Jen Hatmaker), and The Christian Atheist (Craig Groeschel).  These were stories of transformed lives, not just people living with the label "Christian", but living out God's call on their daily lives which may result in some pretty "crazy" living.  I had read all of these books.  I looked up to these stories, these people committed to Christ-like-living in practical ways.  "What good are these books doing for me,"  I thought?  I opened up the "Interrupted" book and in the first few pages, I came across the first verse she choose to share (a verse God had already led us to separately and together) which was James 2:15-16 "If a brother or sister is without clothing and in need of daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and be filled,' and yet you do not give them what is necessary for the body, what use it that?"

It was as though God was telling me, I already told you IN MY WORD what to do.  Yes was the answer.  And I knew from that moment we were supposed to do this thing that probably may look crazy to others, and honestly, seems a bit crazy to myself.  We called Bethany and gave them the green light.  We received a call back the following day saying we officially were granted the referral and it would take 1-3 months until they arrive.  I was a *little* shocked.  What did we just do?! We ARE crazy.  But, God was so gracious to me.  He reaffirmed it to me again and again.  Just this morning, I was on my way to BSF with Jada and I decided to listen to a sermon by John Piper.  What does he say in the sermon? "Piety that does not produce a passion for social justice and practical mercy is useless.  There are forms of oppression in America and there are worse forms of it in SUDAN, and distance means little here."  What?  Did he just say that?  It was so random, I had to rewind to be sure I wasn't imagining things.  I wanted to cry.  I don't think I ever had God speak to me so clearly on something.  I think I wanted to cry because I felt unworthy.  God is using ME?  He's speaking to ME?  He was so graciously affirming to me after I had a morning of questioning our sanity.  I am so completely humbled he will use broken undeserving people like me.  I am not so naive to think this lovely packaged story is the end all.  This is going to be HARD.  War in Sudan has ripped this girls life apart and she has been through unspeakable trauma.  But, that is where Isaiah 58 comes in, "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wander with shelter - when you see the naked, to clothe them, and not turn away from your own flesh and blood?"  I know this will be hard, but it will be worth it. 

Well it has been a long time since I posted anything.  I will never be a habitual blogger.  However, since it has been many months I decided to blog about our adoption thus far.  Parenting a child with characteristics of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) has been a difficult process.  It has been tough to really share what things have been like for Jada and for our family since her adoption.  Most people cannot understand what we are talking about when we describe Jada's behavior because she is a gem in public.  Everyone loves her and she gets nonstop attention.  People comment on how well she is adjusting simply because they see her acting engaged with them.  She will be extra cute, flirty, and often raises up her arms for whomever to pick her up. It can be extremely frustrating when there is manipulation and rejection of a parent or sibling in the home happening at the same time (along with a plethora of emotional issues.) For whatever reason, this is one of the major markings of a child with RAD.  I have 3 other children and I used to think I knew how to parent.  I have no idea how to parent Jada.  I second guess myself all the time and many times end up doing the exact opposite of what I would have done for my biological children.  What I do know is that parenting her the same way I parented my other children does not work.  I feel at a loss many times.   I am thankful for friends (sister-in-law Michelle especially), who don't try and give me advice but who will pray over me.  So thankful.  I cling to James 1 in asking God for wisdom in the trials.  I try and remember the trauma and loss Jada has experienced are so much greater and more important than my frustration.   I remind myself of the growth she has shown (she squealed happily this past week while running to the door "Daddy's home!  Daddy's home!!!!", and also that same day allowed Jordan to carry her without screaming).  But most of all I am reminded that God has brought her into our lives to love her the way He has so GRACIOUSLY loved us, that He laid His life down of his own will for us when we were unlovable.  I'm learning how to lay my life down every day.

Adoption video

We have been home almost a month now!!  Life is slowly but surely returning to normal.....of course, this is a new normal having a 1 year old around! :)  Everyone is sleeping regularly, and I am officially off sleeping pills, thank goodness.  This past week has been the best week we have had so far.  Jada is making progress with attachment, and last Sunday was our last really bad episode with inconsolable crying and screaming with Luke holding her.  We know there will be many ups and downs from here on out, but a full week stretch of her being more than willing to go to Luke has been an answer to prayer.  

In re-reading a lot of my blog, I have realized some days have been kindof "downers" in a way.  I guess I was trying to be as real as possible about our adoption.  In spite of all the hardships, though, we have been truly blessed.  God has taught us about our relationship to Him in a new light, and Luke and I have been humbled in many ways.  We have seen the support of the church and family from meals, to gifts, to kind notes, to words of encouragement, and much more.  We have brought home our precious daughter and we know that even through the brokenness of her situation, God was at work to bring our specific family to her.  I hope this video I put together shows the joy that we have experienced.....

3:30 AM

It is 3:30 AM.  3:30 AM and I have gotten a lot friendlier over the last 3 weeks.  We've had our arguments, tears, and laughs.  Sometimes you just have to laugh.  I've slowly given up my frustration with 3:30 AM.  For whatever reason, 3:30 AM is what the clock says each morning when I hear Jada crying in her crib awake for the day, when Jacob comes into my room with a bloody nose (seriously, at 3:30 several times!), when my kids have the TV blaring because they can't sleep either, or when I just randomly wake up myself from being disturbed so many times at 3:30 AM, or because my body is saying, it's 2:30 PM in China and that was a long enough nap for the day!  Now, 3:30 wake up isn't so bad if you just go back to bed, but the problem is I can rarely fall back asleep. I had found myself initially so angry with 3:30 AM.  MY TIME is important, MY SLEEP is important,  I NEED rest so I can be a decent Mom/wife the next day.  And I started to hear HIM whisper to me.  "Kelly, I will provide all your needs.  Look at the birds, and the flowers.  Who takes care of them?  They do not toil and worry.  I take care of them.  How much more important are you?  Don't worry about your day tomorrow.  I will give you what you need if you ask me." 

I know this song has so much more meaning for people who have gone through such bigger trials than sleep deprivation.  But I love it nonetheless and it is so true about how God speaks to us and grows us in our trails whether big or small.  It gives me perspective, too, on how I pray "Your will be done" in my day/life.  I remember the phrase (from Bible Study Fellowship) of praying "Kingdom prayers", not "Comfort prayers". 

Here it is: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Lastly, Jada has been walking so much better, and yesterday she just seemed so much more "at home."  Here is a video of one of her first longer attempts at walking and if you watch to the end you will see how proud she is of herself! :)

Home

Well, we have been home since last Wednesday.  I'm sorry my blog kindof fizzled out just when I had started it.  China was hard.  I didn't want to repeat in my blog the same things day in and day out of our difficulties, plus we were so busy and exhausted it was tough to stay on top of it.  I would love to have the beautiful story of our trip to China, and how everything went smoothly and that we had the perfect bond with our child and how everything was a dream.  Now let me start off by saying that I have been out of the country before, I have been to third world countries on mission trips, I have been to Papua New Guinea to visit my in-laws and with my 3 children in tow.  For some reason, however, China was the hardest of them all.  I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster pretty much the entire time.  Most of you who know me, know that I am pretty even-keeled.  But, I felt broken in China.  There were so many things going on: a 13 hour time change, staying in 4 different hotels in different cities, trying to comfort our new child while dealing with the emotions of our 3 kids adjusting to her too,  Jada resisting Luke at all costs, dealing with cultural differences, not speaking the language, different foods, and more.  There was only one night where I got more than 5 hours of sleep, and usually it was around 3-4 hours.  I think this played a huge role in my perspective.  And to be honest, I am ashamed to admit I barely opened my Bible in China.  Do I think God abandoned me because of this?  Absolutely not, but I know I was not drawing from Him and His Word as my only strength each day as I should have.  I know, too, that the devil is out to kill, destroy, and frustrate.  The Bible speaks clearly that our struggles are not against flesh and blood but of the unseen spiritual realm.  Ephesians  6: ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."  I don't give enough credit to this verse.  A lot of days I think I can draw from my own strength and be "ready" for my day on my own.  Yes, we were busy.  Yes, we were exhausted and tired.  But, I know too that I will do the things that I count as most important no matter what my circumstances. 

Now, on to Jada.  It has been SOOOOOO good to be home.  I know Jada doesn't realize this is actually home yet, but we can now begin a regular routine which will help her to not feel so insecure and unsure about everything.  She is doing better with Luke and also the other kids.  She is hitting a lot less and I can actually put her down here and there when I need to get other things done (without her screaming).  Thank you for all who have prayed and are praying for wisdom for Luke and I.  It is so hard to know what is coddling her and what is spoiling her.  I definitely feel like I'd rather err on the side of giving her everything she needs/wants at this point.  After all, we are her 5th set of "parents" she has had.  We really have no idea what has gone on in her life......it may very well be a combination of abuse, neglect, and abandonment.  At the same time, though, it is tough to balance the time she demands with having 3 other children.  It isn't fair to them to spend all my time and energy on Jada.  While Jada is important, she is not more so than my 3 other children.  Luke, too, has felt like he's lost his wife these last 3 weeks.  I just continue to pray for God's wisdom in it all.  It is so hard for Luke not to take it personally that she isn't taking to him.  He absolutely loves children and of course we have waited anticipating getting Jada for a year.  And now she acts like she hates him.  It is a good reminder to remember the hurt behind her reaction.  It is because of a previous abandonment or hurt in her past that she is acting out.  She is just so scared of him, you just wonder what in the world happened to her.  You read book upon book in your prep through the agency on adoption and the difficulties of toddler adoption, but it doesn't ever really sink in until you are going through it.  That is the way life goes, I guess.  But, as I said in the beginning of this paragraph, she is doing better, even if bit by bit.  She usually only cries for a few minutes once Luke takes her now, and sometimes we can make the transition without any tears.  Here is one of the first pictures with Jada, and it so well portrays her resistance!

Jada is a smart little girl.  We have had her now about 2 weeks, and she has already learned how to sign "please" instead of grunting for things.  She knows and can say the words: "No, Mama, Daddy, JJ, Jordan, Jacob, Jada, more, shoe, cow, meow."  And she understands more than those words (such as "BE QUIET!")  ha ha.  Her walking is slowly getting better.  It seemed to get a lot better in China, but then kindof regressed a bit.  I have her Dr's appointment on Thursday.  I know she's a little squirt.  She only weighs 19 lbs. and all the 18-24 month clothes I bought her are way too big.  Even some 12-18 are too big for her (She's 21 months).   She is learning how to stand up from a sitting position.  This seems way delayed, and it is.  However, if you watch her trying to do this, you can see why it's hard with one arm.  She actually uses her head to help her get up, which is funny to watch.  She can't crawl with one arm, so she kindof scoots forward on her butt.  One of the first times I left her alone to go into the other room, she apparently scooted across the floor to get to me and a glass picture frame that I had setting against the wall/floor came crashing down on her.  Funny, she doesn't cry about glass being broken over her head, but screams when mommy puts her down!

Lastly, I am reminded again and again of God's great love for us.  The God of the world came to earth as a baby to save you and I from our sins and to give us abundant life through Him.  I am reminded that our adoption story is just a shadow of what God did for us.  We traveled thousands of miles to get Jada, we sacrificed a lot for her, we have already been through pain and trials with her.  How much greater was Christ's sacrifice for us in order to "adopt" us into His family??  He gave His own life for us, and how do we respond??  Are we pushing Him away, thinking we know better and that we would rather be comfortable in our old ways??  Luke and I now understand on a whole new level how Christ feels when we reject and resist His offer.  May we trust in Him, take His hand, and believe Him who keeps all His promises.  As for Jada, stay tuned, we know God's plan for Jada's story is to be continued.....

Random

Notes on China:

1. Squatty potty = hole in ground toilet.  My kids pretty much forced constipation in order to not have to use these.  Maybe it was the fact many previous users had bad aim?

2.  You can barter in most stores for a better price, sometimes even half the price.

3.  Check your American "line waiting techniques" at the US airport gate.  Those rules don't apply in China.  Don't worry, if you forget this, you will learn the minute you deboard the plane in China.   We finally had to run a few people over with our teetering luggage cart in order to actually get on the elevator to get to our driver at the lower level of the airport. 

4.  Elderly people are actually respected in China.  Thumbs up.

5.  Hotel laundry service: $120.  Store laundry service a few minutes outside hotel: $5

6.  Expect blatant staring if you take your kids along (remember, China's one child/family rule, unless you have money).  On a positive note, they think your kids are exceptionally cute, and want pictures of them everywhere you go.  If you want excessive blatant staring, add a child with a missing arm, you'll even get pointing and grabbing of her malformed arm.

7.   I'm not sure I tried the "right" authentic local Chinese restaurants.  The rice and veggies were excellent, and I actually enjoyed tea at every meal.  The meat, however, was a different story.  I like to know what I'm chewing inside the saucy morsel I am partaking, but usually it is unidentifiable.  I am thinking skin, tendon, or ligament.  Of these, I forced a hard swallow.  On the occasions bone was involved, I'm sure I broke some unspoken rule of food etiquette, but there was no way I was swallowing bone.  Our guide one night took us to a "respected" restaurant for it's sanitary conditions.  As she was telling us this, Luke spotted some unknown cockroach-y bug crawling up Jada's high chair. 

8.  If you can get beyond the staring, you will find that most of the people are very friendly if you get a chance to actually talk to them. 

9.  Parks in China are filled with older people, doing interesting exercises.  See below:

 

 

10.  I never really thought of China as tropical before.  The last part of our stay was in Guangzhou.  There were palm trees and temps were in the 70's in December. 

11.  The Great Wall of China is not to be missed!!  We had even briefly considered dropping this part of our trip since it was scheduled the day after we arrived (remember, 13 hour time change).  We were still on adrenaline at that point, so it was worth it and just an awesome experience. 

 

 

12.  Jetlag after a 14 hour flight is a bear.  You only can understand if you have done it, and with young children.  Getting "back to normal" sleep routine requires about 1 week.  And remember, after 1 week, we only had 5 days in China before returning to the US and reversing our days and nights once again. 

13.  We met up with our former exchange students' family in Guangzhou.  The hospitality we received from them was remarkable.  Let's just say a day and a half packed full of amusement parks, special dinners, a chauffer, a translator, a cruise on the Pearl River, and a tour of the Canton tower were involved.  We were exhausted, but spoiled nonetheless. 

 

Sam's beautiful home and family

 

Night view of the Canton Tower from the Pearl River cruise

 

 

Special reserved room dinner with Sam's family.  I'm not kidding, there were like 20 courses.

 

On the 111^th  floor of the Canton Tower: A merry-go round contraption located at almost the very top of the tower featuring 16 glass bubble gondola-like compartments. As the wheel slowly makes its one rotation, those aboard are privy to a view of all of Guangzhou – including down beneath your feet.

 

 

These are the faces rollercoasters cause my kids to make.

 

That's all I have time for today!!!  This blog may be continued.......

This song keeps coming to my head as I see Jada struggle.  When I look at her I can't help but think of the love, acceptance, and freedom God offers us but a lot of times we struggle to allow God to give us these things.  He knows the abundant life He can give us but we refuse, clinging to what we are familiar with and scared to allow change.  It has been a struggle with Jada but it is all a part of her story that i know God will redeem.  He is faithful!

Here is the link to hear the song.........
http://youtu.be/VzGAYNKDyIU


1st Verse

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then you look at this prisoner and say to me
"son stop fighting a fight that's already been won"

Chorus

I am redeemed , you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
Cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed.....I'm redeemed

2nd Verse

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear you whisper "child lift up your head"
I remember oh God you're not done with me yet

Chorus

I am redeemed , you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
Cause I'm not who I used to be

Bridge

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'cause his day is long dead and gone because
I've got a new name , a new life I'm not the same
and a hope that will carry me home

Chorus
I am redeemed , you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains and 
Wipe away every stain 
Cause I'm not who I used to be 


I am redeemed you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains and
And wipe away every stain
Now I'm not who I used to be
Oh God I'm not who I used to be
Jesus I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemed 
Thank God redeemed