3:30 AM

It is 3:30 AM.  3:30 AM and I have gotten a lot friendlier over the last 3 weeks.  We've had our arguments, tears, and laughs.  Sometimes you just have to laugh.  I've slowly given up my frustration with 3:30 AM.  For whatever reason, 3:30 AM is what the clock says each morning when I hear Jada crying in her crib awake for the day, when Jacob comes into my room with a bloody nose (seriously, at 3:30 several times!), when my kids have the TV blaring because they can't sleep either, or when I just randomly wake up myself from being disturbed so many times at 3:30 AM, or because my body is saying, it's 2:30 PM in China and that was a long enough nap for the day!  Now, 3:30 wake up isn't so bad if you just go back to bed, but the problem is I can rarely fall back asleep. I had found myself initially so angry with 3:30 AM.  MY TIME is important, MY SLEEP is important,  I NEED rest so I can be a decent Mom/wife the next day.  And I started to hear HIM whisper to me.  "Kelly, I will provide all your needs.  Look at the birds, and the flowers.  Who takes care of them?  They do not toil and worry.  I take care of them.  How much more important are you?  Don't worry about your day tomorrow.  I will give you what you need if you ask me." 

I know this song has so much more meaning for people who have gone through such bigger trials than sleep deprivation.  But I love it nonetheless and it is so true about how God speaks to us and grows us in our trails whether big or small.  It gives me perspective, too, on how I pray "Your will be done" in my day/life.  I remember the phrase (from Bible Study Fellowship) of praying "Kingdom prayers", not "Comfort prayers". 

Here it is: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Lastly, Jada has been walking so much better, and yesterday she just seemed so much more "at home."  Here is a video of one of her first longer attempts at walking and if you watch to the end you will see how proud she is of herself! :)

Home

Well, we have been home since last Wednesday.  I'm sorry my blog kindof fizzled out just when I had started it.  China was hard.  I didn't want to repeat in my blog the same things day in and day out of our difficulties, plus we were so busy and exhausted it was tough to stay on top of it.  I would love to have the beautiful story of our trip to China, and how everything went smoothly and that we had the perfect bond with our child and how everything was a dream.  Now let me start off by saying that I have been out of the country before, I have been to third world countries on mission trips, I have been to Papua New Guinea to visit my in-laws and with my 3 children in tow.  For some reason, however, China was the hardest of them all.  I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster pretty much the entire time.  Most of you who know me, know that I am pretty even-keeled.  But, I felt broken in China.  There were so many things going on: a 13 hour time change, staying in 4 different hotels in different cities, trying to comfort our new child while dealing with the emotions of our 3 kids adjusting to her too,  Jada resisting Luke at all costs, dealing with cultural differences, not speaking the language, different foods, and more.  There was only one night where I got more than 5 hours of sleep, and usually it was around 3-4 hours.  I think this played a huge role in my perspective.  And to be honest, I am ashamed to admit I barely opened my Bible in China.  Do I think God abandoned me because of this?  Absolutely not, but I know I was not drawing from Him and His Word as my only strength each day as I should have.  I know, too, that the devil is out to kill, destroy, and frustrate.  The Bible speaks clearly that our struggles are not against flesh and blood but of the unseen spiritual realm.  Ephesians  6: ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."  I don't give enough credit to this verse.  A lot of days I think I can draw from my own strength and be "ready" for my day on my own.  Yes, we were busy.  Yes, we were exhausted and tired.  But, I know too that I will do the things that I count as most important no matter what my circumstances. 

Now, on to Jada.  It has been SOOOOOO good to be home.  I know Jada doesn't realize this is actually home yet, but we can now begin a regular routine which will help her to not feel so insecure and unsure about everything.  She is doing better with Luke and also the other kids.  She is hitting a lot less and I can actually put her down here and there when I need to get other things done (without her screaming).  Thank you for all who have prayed and are praying for wisdom for Luke and I.  It is so hard to know what is coddling her and what is spoiling her.  I definitely feel like I'd rather err on the side of giving her everything she needs/wants at this point.  After all, we are her 5th set of "parents" she has had.  We really have no idea what has gone on in her life......it may very well be a combination of abuse, neglect, and abandonment.  At the same time, though, it is tough to balance the time she demands with having 3 other children.  It isn't fair to them to spend all my time and energy on Jada.  While Jada is important, she is not more so than my 3 other children.  Luke, too, has felt like he's lost his wife these last 3 weeks.  I just continue to pray for God's wisdom in it all.  It is so hard for Luke not to take it personally that she isn't taking to him.  He absolutely loves children and of course we have waited anticipating getting Jada for a year.  And now she acts like she hates him.  It is a good reminder to remember the hurt behind her reaction.  It is because of a previous abandonment or hurt in her past that she is acting out.  She is just so scared of him, you just wonder what in the world happened to her.  You read book upon book in your prep through the agency on adoption and the difficulties of toddler adoption, but it doesn't ever really sink in until you are going through it.  That is the way life goes, I guess.  But, as I said in the beginning of this paragraph, she is doing better, even if bit by bit.  She usually only cries for a few minutes once Luke takes her now, and sometimes we can make the transition without any tears.  Here is one of the first pictures with Jada, and it so well portrays her resistance!

Jada is a smart little girl.  We have had her now about 2 weeks, and she has already learned how to sign "please" instead of grunting for things.  She knows and can say the words: "No, Mama, Daddy, JJ, Jordan, Jacob, Jada, more, shoe, cow, meow."  And she understands more than those words (such as "BE QUIET!")  ha ha.  Her walking is slowly getting better.  It seemed to get a lot better in China, but then kindof regressed a bit.  I have her Dr's appointment on Thursday.  I know she's a little squirt.  She only weighs 19 lbs. and all the 18-24 month clothes I bought her are way too big.  Even some 12-18 are too big for her (She's 21 months).   She is learning how to stand up from a sitting position.  This seems way delayed, and it is.  However, if you watch her trying to do this, you can see why it's hard with one arm.  She actually uses her head to help her get up, which is funny to watch.  She can't crawl with one arm, so she kindof scoots forward on her butt.  One of the first times I left her alone to go into the other room, she apparently scooted across the floor to get to me and a glass picture frame that I had setting against the wall/floor came crashing down on her.  Funny, she doesn't cry about glass being broken over her head, but screams when mommy puts her down!

Lastly, I am reminded again and again of God's great love for us.  The God of the world came to earth as a baby to save you and I from our sins and to give us abundant life through Him.  I am reminded that our adoption story is just a shadow of what God did for us.  We traveled thousands of miles to get Jada, we sacrificed a lot for her, we have already been through pain and trials with her.  How much greater was Christ's sacrifice for us in order to "adopt" us into His family??  He gave His own life for us, and how do we respond??  Are we pushing Him away, thinking we know better and that we would rather be comfortable in our old ways??  Luke and I now understand on a whole new level how Christ feels when we reject and resist His offer.  May we trust in Him, take His hand, and believe Him who keeps all His promises.  As for Jada, stay tuned, we know God's plan for Jada's story is to be continued.....

Random

Notes on China:

1. Squatty potty = hole in ground toilet.  My kids pretty much forced constipation in order to not have to use these.  Maybe it was the fact many previous users had bad aim?

2.  You can barter in most stores for a better price, sometimes even half the price.

3.  Check your American "line waiting techniques" at the US airport gate.  Those rules don't apply in China.  Don't worry, if you forget this, you will learn the minute you deboard the plane in China.   We finally had to run a few people over with our teetering luggage cart in order to actually get on the elevator to get to our driver at the lower level of the airport. 

4.  Elderly people are actually respected in China.  Thumbs up.

5.  Hotel laundry service: $120.  Store laundry service a few minutes outside hotel: $5

6.  Expect blatant staring if you take your kids along (remember, China's one child/family rule, unless you have money).  On a positive note, they think your kids are exceptionally cute, and want pictures of them everywhere you go.  If you want excessive blatant staring, add a child with a missing arm, you'll even get pointing and grabbing of her malformed arm.

7.   I'm not sure I tried the "right" authentic local Chinese restaurants.  The rice and veggies were excellent, and I actually enjoyed tea at every meal.  The meat, however, was a different story.  I like to know what I'm chewing inside the saucy morsel I am partaking, but usually it is unidentifiable.  I am thinking skin, tendon, or ligament.  Of these, I forced a hard swallow.  On the occasions bone was involved, I'm sure I broke some unspoken rule of food etiquette, but there was no way I was swallowing bone.  Our guide one night took us to a "respected" restaurant for it's sanitary conditions.  As she was telling us this, Luke spotted some unknown cockroach-y bug crawling up Jada's high chair. 

8.  If you can get beyond the staring, you will find that most of the people are very friendly if you get a chance to actually talk to them. 

9.  Parks in China are filled with older people, doing interesting exercises.  See below:

 

 

10.  I never really thought of China as tropical before.  The last part of our stay was in Guangzhou.  There were palm trees and temps were in the 70's in December. 

11.  The Great Wall of China is not to be missed!!  We had even briefly considered dropping this part of our trip since it was scheduled the day after we arrived (remember, 13 hour time change).  We were still on adrenaline at that point, so it was worth it and just an awesome experience. 

 

 

12.  Jetlag after a 14 hour flight is a bear.  You only can understand if you have done it, and with young children.  Getting "back to normal" sleep routine requires about 1 week.  And remember, after 1 week, we only had 5 days in China before returning to the US and reversing our days and nights once again. 

13.  We met up with our former exchange students' family in Guangzhou.  The hospitality we received from them was remarkable.  Let's just say a day and a half packed full of amusement parks, special dinners, a chauffer, a translator, a cruise on the Pearl River, and a tour of the Canton tower were involved.  We were exhausted, but spoiled nonetheless. 

 

Sam's beautiful home and family

 

Night view of the Canton Tower from the Pearl River cruise

 

 

Special reserved room dinner with Sam's family.  I'm not kidding, there were like 20 courses.

 

On the 111^th  floor of the Canton Tower: A merry-go round contraption located at almost the very top of the tower featuring 16 glass bubble gondola-like compartments. As the wheel slowly makes its one rotation, those aboard are privy to a view of all of Guangzhou – including down beneath your feet.

 

 

These are the faces rollercoasters cause my kids to make.

 

That's all I have time for today!!!  This blog may be continued.......

This song keeps coming to my head as I see Jada struggle.  When I look at her I can't help but think of the love, acceptance, and freedom God offers us but a lot of times we struggle to allow God to give us these things.  He knows the abundant life He can give us but we refuse, clinging to what we are familiar with and scared to allow change.  It has been a struggle with Jada but it is all a part of her story that i know God will redeem.  He is faithful!

Here is the link to hear the song.........
http://youtu.be/VzGAYNKDyIU


1st Verse

Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then you look at this prisoner and say to me
"son stop fighting a fight that's already been won"

Chorus

I am redeemed , you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
Cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed.....I'm redeemed

2nd Verse

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear you whisper "child lift up your head"
I remember oh God you're not done with me yet

Chorus

I am redeemed , you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain
Cause I'm not who I used to be

Bridge

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'cause his day is long dead and gone because
I've got a new name , a new life I'm not the same
and a hope that will carry me home

Chorus
I am redeemed , you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains and 
Wipe away every stain 
Cause I'm not who I used to be 


I am redeemed you set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains and
And wipe away every stain
Now I'm not who I used to be
Oh God I'm not who I used to be
Jesus I'm not who I used to be

'Cause I am redeemed 
Thank God redeemed

Things have been up and down the last few days.  There are moments of excitement like jada learning to walk (she could barely stand on her own 5 days ago).  She will walk in small distances now like from Luke to me a few feet away.  We have some sweet moments too of rocking her and singing to her where she seems to connect with me on a deeper level.  She loves the outdoors which makes it very easy for us to walk around the city.  Above is a short video of us walking through Guangzhou so you can see the town.  Sam's (our exchange student last year) dad's driver and assistant came to take us to a very nice park area last night.  It was just beautiful.  As it got darker they turned on the lanterns in the trees, it was so pretty.  They took us to a nice restaurant too and it was just so very nice of them to go out of their way to show us their city and treat us to dinner.  Today Sam's cousin is taking us to an amusement park.  The kids are so excited!  Here are some pics of the park and also of Jadas medical appointment.

Today was the day I visited the orphanage.  Jalyn ended up coming with me.  She wasn't sure she wanted to go but I really wanted her to be able to see the orphanage, to have her company  on the long trip and also to allow the boys some bonding time with Jada.  It was close to a 3 hour trip each way.  I was able to speak quite openly about my faith with my guide who came along.  I was surprised to hear from her that Christianity is becoming popular in China and especially in the countryside.  She pointed out a few beautiful Christian churches along our way.  She is studying at the university and even said they studied parts of the Bible .  She talked for quite awhile asking questions about The American life and if it is how it is portrayed in the movies.  She really would love to come to America and I told her we have had several people stay with us, that we have room for guests.  I think I was mostly surprised about how she talked of Christianity in China.  What happened to all of the persecution of Christians I have always heard about here?  She seemed to be completely unaware of that.  This makes me wonder how much their government may screen  and hide a lot if what is happening .  I remember Sam telling us about that, just the way the government controls the media and what is allowed to be shared .  At the same time, it was so neat to hear her talk about the popularity of Christianity and it's growth here!

I was unsure how I was going to respond to being at the orphanage.  The building was 2 stories high and in the shape of a "U" with a courtyard in the middle.  By courtyard I mean a rectangular slab of concrete .  I had imagined there would be a playground of some sort outside, but there was nothing.  It almost looked like an old motel from the outside with 2 levels.  Each doorway into the various rooms was just some cloth hanging like a curtain (no actual door).  They first took me to Jadas room where she spent her first 6 months of life and then the last month.  I took a lot of the pictures with my camera and forgot to take some with my phone so I could post pics on here.  I felt very pressured and under watch the whole time, I didn't feel free to just wander or anything.  That made me a little nervous and I forgot to take the pics with my phone.  Anyways, Jadas room was somewhat small with about  10 or so cribs in the room.  The director showed me Jadas empty crib (her neighbors crib was empty too.....he was just adopted also and I talked about that family in a precious post).  This was obviously the room for babies probably up to about 2.  There was a sweet jaundiced newborn baby girl who was abandoned on December 1.  The orphanage director gave me a large teddy bear that she said was Jadas favorite for us to keep.  I'm still unsure what I will do with it.....I don't want jada to freak out if she sees the bear, on the other hand she may love to have something familiar with her.  For now, I feel like I need to somehow sanitize this bear since I know for sure the scabies problem among others in the orphanage.  There were 3 nannies that were assigned to that room.  There wasn't much of anything else in the room except 2 little walker seats on wheels.  I imagine the children hardly leave this room and it makes me wonder if that is why Jada absolutely LOVES being outside.  There are two things we KNOW she isn't split personality on and it's bring outside and taking a warm bath!  I was able to see into 3 other rooms with children of various older ages.  They had them all seated around rectangular tables.  I wondered if this was normal or if they were tying to get the kids to look settled as a visitor was coming.  I was told by my friend who adopted Jadas crib neighbor NOT to take treats to the orphanage.  Sounds like maybe they were mobbed and not in a good way.  The smell throughout the orphanage (even with open rooms to the outside) was overpowering.  I think I mostly just felt like these kids have nothing to do.  They are in these small rooms jammed with other kids and I just wonder what they spend their days doing.  Most of the children at this orphanage did have some kind of special need...some were obvious, others were not.  As we were backing away from the orphanage I realized I hadn't taken pics to post on here with my phone, so I have the following pathetic pictures of the outside orphanage (from the inside of our van). The last few pics are of jalyn and I enjoying lunch (chopsticks only!) on the way home.  I am feeling very emotionally drained and it's hard for me to even write out what I'm feeling today.  Maybe I'll do better tomorrow.

Today was a rough day for me.  I have only been getting about 4 hours of sleep for the past 5 nights so I think every little problem seemed exaggerated.  Jada in a sense seems to have taken a step backwards.  She was very fussy today and barely would let me out of her sight.  Poor girl has been itching nonstop every square inch of her body from her scabies.  We treated her the very first night and you are supposed to wait a full week to re-apply the cream if indeed she is still itching.  The minute  I feel like I'm starting to get to know her, she almost switches personalities.  Even with simple things like food she will like something one day and then refuse it the next.  She doesn't eat much or drink much of anything.  Her nanny told me she takes 3 bottles a day but she won't have anything to do with it ( tried Chinese milk and formula ).  She had been loving Jalyn especially and now today she wouldn't go to her at all.  The boys want to also feed her treats and play with her or even simply hold her hand but she pushes them away.  Many of the ways she is acting out would never fly with my other kids but I know there is so much more going on than just discipline issues.  I am praying for wisdom in how to love her and to help her through her grieving of another loss in her life.  Today after Jake tried to give her yet another treat  (which was pushed away), he said "mom, she's never going to like us, right?"  It is so tough to see him hurt after he has been so excited to be a big  brother for so long.  Tomorrow I will get to visit the orphanage which is a 2-3 hour drive each way (they brought Jada to us, we never saw the orphanage yet).  I am going alone.  I know it would be cruel to take Jada back there, so Luke is staying behind with the kids.  I will also visit the spot where Jada was abandoned.  Above is a video of Jada in one if her happier moments from yesterday.  I like how she actually smiles when Jalyn asks her to (not knowing English).....

What a day!!!!  We got Jada today around noon!!!  We were all so excited we went down to the lobby around 10:45 in case they came early.  We waited for about an hour (seemed so much longer!!) and finally we saw a little girl all bundled up arriving.  We knew it was Jada!!!!  She looked a lot smaller than I had gathered from the pictures.  She came to me right away and it was smooth sailing for about 2 minutes!! From then on she cried (screamed) and cried, poor little girl.  We had learned she was taken back to the orphanage about a month ago from her foster home.  On a positive note, she was screaming because she wanted to go to her nanny which is a good sign that she will be able to form an attachment even though she has been moved around several times already (first in orphanage then foster home for a year then back again).  I found it tough to do this all in the lobby while so many people were watching everything.  Jada was really crying hard and the nanny wanted to take her back.  I knew if I could just get Jada up into our room that it would be easier for her.  So, it was a tough hour or so.  Once we finally were able to get up in our room, Jada stopped crying almost immediately.  She definitely seemed very sad the rest of the afternoon.  She did smile twice when Jalyn was holding her.  We had to go to the Civil Affairs Office in the afternoon to complete paperwork.  I thought this would be an hour or two appointment, but ended up being about 4 1/2 hours with having to go to the notary also........a very long day for the kids especially with still getting accustomed to the time change.  We had some trouble with communicating with our guide and driver today which made things rough throughout the day.  Once back to the hotel room after our appointments Jada came to life and started interacting with us a lot more.  Turns out she loves French fries and Coke!!  Here is the video.......having a hard time uploading pictures, etc.

The Great Wall

Saturday night was a bit rough in regards to sleep.  We all crashed at 7:30 pm.  I was up again at 11 pm.  The kids got up around 4 am.  Thankfully once we showered and ate at the breakfast buffet, we felt refreshed and ready for the day.  There are some interesting breakfast options here including sushi, fried rice, seafood dumplings , and many items i didn't recognize.  We found some more traditional American food though too and the kids were happy.  Today was absolutely perfect weather to go and see the Great Wall.  Temps were in the 50s and sunny. It was perfect for having to climb thousands of steps without being too cold or too hot.  Even with our lack of sleep the kids amazed me. Jake especially seem to have a lot of energy and he was to the top first. A lot of the steps were very steep and in different heights so the climbing at parts was a little more difficult especially for Jake with his shorter legs.  Of course I was freaking out because Jake was teetering off the side of some of the railings overlooking deep drop offs.  And then there's  Luke who thought it was great to see him be adventurous.  People left and right were tsaking the kids pictures.  I was surprised by this, I just figure they must see a lot of tourists in the Beijing area. For the most part the kids didn't really seem to mind.  We do seem to get a lot of stares.  By that I mean someone steadily watching you eat an entire meal.  Some of these types of things I have to remind mysel is solely cultural differences.  A lot of things I would consider somewhat rude back home seem to be commonplace here.  But, back to the Great Wall...,, it really was extraordinary.  We all loved it and may even try to go again once we have jada.  I have to say I was surprised at my lack of physical stamina!  Doesn't running 2 marathons last year mean anything?? Lol.  Apparently not.  I was outdone by my 5 year old.
At the beginning of this day I knew I needed to ask God for his strength to get me through such a busy day on virtually a few hours of sleep over the past 2 nights.  I am so thankful that he did just that.  I've seen God on so many occasions thus far.  Can I just say my husband has been my hero.  He has served each of us selflessly this entire trip so far.  That alone shows me daily Christis love for us. He is my rock but only in the sense that I see Christ in him daily.  Love you babe.
Tomorrow we get jada!!!  We took the high speed train from Beijing to shijiazhuang this evening.  Our two guides Bob and Eliza picked us up from the train station. Elyza is a student here and she's just helping out with the translating and to work on her English skills.  She said she was excited to do this and she's just very interested in those coming to adopt and so we talked quite a bit on the way to the hotel and she seems to be very nice.  This hotel is Amazing!!!  We have beautiful connecting rooms, the bathrooms are gorgeous and the beds are super comfy!  They wheeled in a crib for us which made everything all the more real .  It is Monday morning now and jalyn and I are up And getting giddy knowing a few short hours til they bring Jada to the lobby downstairs !  Here are some pics and a video. from Jalyn.